so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
