I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
