I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
