Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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