We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
