you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
