Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
