Screwed.edu
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So squirting runs in the family.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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