My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
