she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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