Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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