she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
