Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
