My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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