i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
