WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
