No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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