a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Who died my cat blue again?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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