Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So vagazzling was a success
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
