I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
