He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
