omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
