My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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