My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
