i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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