Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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