Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She's like a pop up book from hell.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
