Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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