how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
