that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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