I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
