Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
