I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
