I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
