Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
