i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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