It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
