I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
