So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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