i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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