those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
