You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize