My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
