I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
