you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
