Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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