If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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