I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
