Who wears a wallet chain?!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
