you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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