I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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