Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's never too late to be topless.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
