so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
