wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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