How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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