I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
