Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
id be glad to
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
