just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
