It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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