How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
