Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
