i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
