its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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