Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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